Dear Ebben
My gosh, I can’t believe it’s your 4th birthday already. When we lost you I didn’t think I would be able to survive 1 day, 1 week, 1 month without you in my arms, yet somehow we have made it to 4 whole years since the day we met and lost you. And still not a day goes by when you aren’t in our thoughts, me and your daddy still love and miss you so much.
I’m writing this the night before your birthday. Effie is fast asleep, Elian is watching King Julien in bed, and your daddy is photographing a wedding. I should be sitting here wrapping your presents and setting up your balloons, just like I have done for your brother and sister over the last 3 weeks. But I’m not. I don’t have a present to wrap for you, a card to write for you or a balloon to give you. So instead I am writing you this letter, as somehow it seems like the only logical thing I can do right now. I’ve always turned to my writing to express my emotions and work through the crazy tangle of feelings I have felt since losing you. So why should today be any different.
I’m writing you this letter to tell you for the umpteenth time just how much we love and miss you daily
I’m writing you this letter to tell you about what your brother and sister are doing and how I wish you were here to experience it all with us. How I think about you when they reach milestones you were never able to reach.
I’m writing you this letter so I can remind people you existed, so they can remember it’s your birthday. They can send a happy birthday wish up to you in heaven, just like they would wish you a happy birthday if you were here with us on earth. It may be selfish of me to expect others, people who never got to meet you, to remember you. But I’m your mum and it’s my job to make sure your name is spoken (you have such a freaking awesome name too little bug) and that you are remembered by more than just me, your dad, Elian and Effie.
So, I’ll be honest and say I’ve struggled more this last month or so than I have for a while. I’m exhausted from all the masking I’ve been doing when in public. The times I’ve been on the brink of tears, the times I’ve felt the choking lump in my throat, the times I’ve had to put on a smile and carry on when it’s the last thing I’ve wanted to do, when I have so little energy left by the end of the day, because being me without you is sometimes a daily battle. But I do it!
Your little sister turned 3 this month, I think that’s the biggest issue. It meant she started school, and my gosh was she excited! And to be honest so were we! There is a joke in the baby loss community that rainbow babies are born with a double dose of personality, they carry their siblings personality within them. And boy do I think that is true of your sassy little sister. I’ve never meet a three year old quite like her. So we were more than happy to send her off to start school, and finally get a few hours a day to ourselves! But this is yet another of the milestones you never had the chance to reach. I didn’t get emotional when you should have turned 3 and started school last year, but for some reason seeing your little sister in her lilac summer dress, looking so incredibly cute, was way harder than I had anticipated. I could imagine what you should have looked like in your little grey shorts and white shirt, matching your big bro! I should have held your hand and walked you to the door of school. I should have seen you playing in the yard with your new friends, seen you bounding out of school every day to greet me with a hug and piece of paper with your ‘art’ on. But I couldn’t. And this missed milestone hurts me more than I expected.
Your big brother started cricket this year, and he loves it! And I wonder if you would have loved it too? Would it have been a sport you could have enjoyed together. Would it have been something you could have bonded over, strengthened your sibling relationship. I see other siblings playing together and it’s like a pain straight to my heart. Effie and Elian play together which is lovely to see, but I can’t ever see her wanting to play cricket alongside Elian, can see them having a friendly sporting rivalry like 2 brothers can have. And I worry Elian has missed out on that by losing you.
Then there was our trip to Disney. Oh how much I wish there could have been 3 of you with us in the park. 3 pairs of eyes staring in awe at the characters on parade. 3 lots of giggles and screams of delights on the rides. 3 sets of happy smiles, 3 exhausted little ones to tuck into bed each night, excited for another day in the park. Don’t get me wrong, I adored our time there with your brother and sister, I always try to live in the moment with them, to enjoy every minute of it and not let my grief spoil my joy. But I still thought of you, wondered about who your favourite character might have been, if you could see the fireworks from up there.
Lastly me and daddy went to Iceland. And I finally had time to decompress, to relax, to switch off from the general day to day chaos of our life. To be Chantele, rather than mum, just for a little while. I was able to breath. I didn’t realise before I went just how much I needed that. And thanks to the way the tour was structured I was able to spend a lot of time on my own, quietly sitting with my thoughts, my emotions, also able to meditate for a while, whilst surrounded by such stunning natural but stark beauty. And when I was finally able to have quiet time, the one thing filling my mind was you! I think our life has been so busy this last year, your brother and sister have filled my time and my mental capacity (which is totally normal as a parent) but it meant I hadn’t had the time or energy for you. And I felt so guilty as a mum for not having you on the forefront of my thoughts constantly like your siblings, but sadly that just isn’t possible in the real world. Life continues, life moves on and you simply can’t stop that happening. The Ebben shaped hole in my heart is still there, but now it’s surrounded by the love of your brother and sister. But Iceland finally gave me that mental space for you, and although that was hard and emotional at the time, I know it was also something I really needed. I felt like I got to share that experience with you.
S0 there you have it, it’s been another year of highs and lows without you here to share it with us. It doesn’t get any easier. I would love to say it does, but honestly it doesn’t. I’ve learnt to cope with my grief, to live with it in my daily life. I’ve learnt how to feel joy and happiness, that I’m still allowed to feel those things even while I am grieving for you. But grief catches you off guard, its not always the big missed milestones or the festive seasons that hurt, sometimes its a trip to the park, seeing a letter E keyring, someone asking about my hummingbird tattoo, or simply waking up one day and feeling your loss more than I did the day before.
I wonder what toys you would have wanted for your birthday today? Would you have been lego obsessed like your big bro, or loving marvel and spidey like your little sister! What presents should I have been wrapping up tonight, and what cake would you be wanting? It’s all the questions and what ifs that hurt. So to celebrate you we are off for a day out at Manor Wildlife Park (hopefully) and we will be singing you happy birthday and blowing out your candle for you.
We love you just as much today as we did 4 years ago little boy. I should have 4 years of photos of you to share with the world, but instead I only have the few that were taken in the 3 days after you were born and died. The same ones ive had for 4 years and the only ones I will ever have of you. I feel as photographers who capture peoples families for a living, and are constantly taking photos of your siblings, this tiny little thing hits us that little bit harder. Elian and Effie’s photo folders are growing constantly, and yours hasn’t been added to in 4 years and never will be again…and that’s just wrong.
But enough from me now. Happy Birthday little bug
We love you more than you realise and we always will
I hope your having an epic party up there with all your angel baby friends. I hope there are balloons galore and lots of cake
Love Mummy and Daddy xxx