I’m not going to lie when I first starting writing about my feelings and emotions after Ebben arrived it was purely for selfish reasons. As family, friends and Christie-Ann my bereavement midwife know, actually verbalising my feelings and emotions is incredibly difficult for me. Actually saying things out loud is almost impossible for me some days (especially in those first few weeks). I simply don’t have the strength or courage to say them or hear them outside of my own head. This often surprises many of my readers on here, I seem very good at articulating my emotions (and the emotions of other loss parents) in just the right way, but I’m only able to do that if I put pen to paper so to speak, or at least in digital format. So in the early weeks, and even now, writing about how I feel is often the only way for me to explain it to others.
On the other hand I don’t write for the pity, for the messages of condolence or for the ego boost of others telling me how strong I am (as lovely as that can be some times). I don’t write because I can’t get over what happened, I can’t move on (although I will never ‘move on’ or ‘get over’ Ebben! I simply continue to move forward) or because I’m living in the past. And I don’t write to make a show of my grief.
Selfishly I do write because I simply want to share my boy with the world, I want a reason to share his beautiful photos, to show off this perfect little thing Jon and I created. I do write because I want to say his name, I want him to be remembered by others not just us. I do write because it helps me process my feelings and emotions, such raw and strong emotions I’ve never felt anything like them before. I do write because it helps me come to terms with what has happened to us, this monumental life altering thing that was completely out of my control. It’s taken everything I have to find my feet in this crazy new life, and I know I’m still not there, but my ability to write my grief, to pour my emotions into my little corner of the internet has helped me hugely. And the fact that my posts have allowed me to connect with other mums, (with my new baby loss mama tribe) has been totally invaluable to me learning to live with losing Ebben.
But now I have another reason to write. I write because my words are helping other loss parents. I’ve had messages from loss mums all over the world, in all different stages of their grieving journey, saying how my words have helped them. How it’s helped them validate and understand some of the emotions they have gone through, or are going through. I’ve put into words things they themselves were unable to explain. My honesty, openness and words of raw grief have helped open up the conversation around still birth and baby loss. And my strength in being honest has allowed them to open up to others about how they really feel…and I hope shown them they are not alone!!
There is a whole tonne of other bereaved parents out there, we are all in this shitty boat together, and together we can help each other survive. Baby loss can feel like such an isolating place, simply being able to read others stories, and see that others are surviving this journey stops you feeling like the only person in the world dealing with this, and it gives you just that little bit of hope that it does get easier.
I’ve had messages from others telling me how my words have given them an insight into this heartbreaking world of baby loss, which has helped them to help friends and family going through this awful journey. Sometimes there simply isn’t a right thing to say to a bereaved parent, but having the courage to simply be there, to hold their hand while they cry, and to be strong enough to listen to their story and how their feeling is the best thing you can do.
I also hope more than anything that I am raising awareness of still birth and baby loss. It really isn’t as rare as people think, as heartbreaking as that thought is. 1 in every 225 babies in the UK is still born, on average that’s 9 a day! Tommy’s is currently running the Tell Me Why campaign in the hope of raising more awareness around miscarriage and stillbirth, and encouraging more research to be done into the subject of baby loss.
Don’t forget you can also help support our #StarsForEbben fundraiser for Singleton Hospital by purchasing one of our Forever Loved Star pin badges or taking part in our raffle (until 30th September) or donate directly on our Just Giving Page